Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Stop.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
WWE is French for “yes”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow