*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
Twitter birth control: airfare