me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*