We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.
Son: Mommy we’re playing with bonks!
Me: Don’t you mean books?
Son: *bonks brother on the head with a book* No
Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love
Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack
Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names
Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point
Marriage is the worst fight or flight simulation ever
Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!
For failed past relationships press 1
For why your dad left press 2
For why you’re failing as a parent press 3
For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4
I told my son I was looking for a picture of myself at 20 and he got all wide-eyed and asked if they had cameras in the olden days so I’ve cancelled his next three birthdays
My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE
My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up