me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.