Funny Tweeter

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Page of VisionBored1's best tweets

@VisionBored1 : [ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes

@VisionBored1: Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.

@VisionBored1: Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read

@VisionBored1: Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring

@VisionBored1: Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog

@VisionBored1: My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@VisionBored1: Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

@VisionBored1: I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@VisionBored1: I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@VisionBored1: The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter