Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?
Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally
Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want
Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: Your word is enamoured
me: Could you use it in a sentence
judge: I am enamoured by you
me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?
judge: your word is yes
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?
Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read
Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did
Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring
Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:
He’s itchy but won’t tell me where
The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries
I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon
The fish have to stay in the fish tank
His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog
My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit