Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally


We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.


Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally


Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*


[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.


Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read


Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring


Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit