Me: so excited for your weekend away with your friends!
Husband: my what?
Me: boys weekend!
Husband: but I didn’t plan any-
Me, pushing him out the door: BYE
my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this
no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher
I wear giant tshirts and massive sweat pants every day so when my husband sees me naked it’s like this unexpected smaller and cuter person
just dropped a creme egg into my coffee and it’s officially replaced having kids as the best accident ever
Her: holding a grudge isn’t healthy
Me: neither is that double Big Mac you just ate but here we are
I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else
I cleaned the whole house by myself and even though my husband said he’d help me vacuum he forgot and I didn’t remind him because I’ll need some ammunition next time we fight and I’m wrong
I’m sitting on a piece of driftwood alone at the beach and if this was a movie the hot bearded guy would find me and sit next to me saying something about not ever needing to sit alone anymore but instead a dog just took a shit six feet from me so
No one is a better actor than a mom feigning surprise when she opens the Christmas gift she chose and ordered herself