@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@VisionBored1

Son: Mommy we’re playing with bonks!

Me: Don’t you mean books?

Son: *bonks brother on the head with a book* No

@VisionBored1

Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love

Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack

Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names

Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@VisionBored1

I told my son I was looking for a picture of myself at 20 and he got all wide-eyed and asked if they had cameras in the olden days so I’ve cancelled his next three birthdays

@VisionBored1

My son told me that my belly was like the jellyfish in Finding Nemo and demonstrated by bouncing a toy car on it while saying boing boing so I told him the Easter Bunny isn’t real

@VisionBored1

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@VisionBored1

My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up