I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.