@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@Vodkantots

It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.

@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.

@Vodkantots

My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”