Give your hair sexy volume by showering with a toaster.
*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles
I FOUND THEM!!
It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.
WebMD: stomach cancer
When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”
Then walk away forever.
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.
My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”