Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Vodkantots's best tweets

@Vodkantots : Give your hair sexy volume by showering with a toaster.

@Vodkantots: *walks into shrink's office with a giant jar of marbles


@Vodkantots: It's like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.

@Vodkantots: When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, "I refuse to accept this."

Then walk away forever.

@Vodkantots: Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@Vodkantots: I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I'd toss in my tampon.

@Vodkantots: My psychiatrist just described me as "not classically bipolar," so apparently, I can't even do mental illness right.

@Vodkantots: I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@Vodkantots: A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."