*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
This week’s mood.