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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me, flirting😏
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Going to church you guys need anything
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick