Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.