“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Trumpy Cat
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell