I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?