Hey i am sexy to you now
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
never deleting this app.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
live long and prosper!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I already tried new things thanks.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket