the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
No one :
Me when I swimming :
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.