@WetMascara

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

@WetMascara

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

@WetMascara

The secret ingredient in this hair cleaning product is ham juice. Presenting HAMpoo ™️.

@WetMascara

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

@WetMascara

The Thanksgiving I was 37, I was dating a 45 year old guy, and my sister (who was 33) was dating the 25 year old son of the guy I was dating.

Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, my dad got up, went outside and mowed my sister’s yard to calm himself down.

@WetMascara

Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or that guy with no control who said you should be flattered you made him finish so fast?

@WetMascara

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

@WetMascara

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.