Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i made a craigslist ad !
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.