God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Every BBC series about the universe.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!