When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Florida be like…
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.