@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@WhatevaConc

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@WhatevaConc

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@WhatevaConc

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

@WhatevaConc

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.