Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.