PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.