Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3