We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
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[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Somebody’s lying.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?