Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I wish I were this cool 😂
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
💁🏻♂️
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring