You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.