Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.