[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
You Might Also Like
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
we’re dead?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.