So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Somebody call the cops.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.