I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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