forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore