[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale