[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.