Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.