We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*