Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything