Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks