Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.