I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?