If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”