We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.