Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.