Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.