Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.