I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.