If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.