Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
i want to work in this restaurant
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸