@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@WilliamAder

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

@WilliamAder

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

@WilliamAder

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

@WilliamAder

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@WilliamAder

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

@WilliamAder

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.