There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.