I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.