Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Twitter remains undefeated
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’