You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.