The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.